By Sarah Monius-Hump
The robot ‘Artoo-MeToo’
Star Wars fans in suburbs everywhere responded explosively to news that cheeky Mechanical-American sidekick Artoo-Deeto will be renamed ‘Artoo-MeToo’ in the next Star Wars Saga movie. The movie’s title has also been revealed as ‘Star Wars Episode IX – Not Just The Men But The White Men and Straight Men Too’.
The state of the Star Wars franchise
I ventured to a nearby Trading Card Game shop undercover as a ‘man’ to get the persecuted majority’s hot takes:
SARAH MONIUS-HUMP: Hey uh dude. Whassup?
ANON: I’m peeved off, man. About all this forced diversity.
SARAH MONIUS-HUMP: Tell me about it.
ANON: I’m all for diversity, but as long as the roles go to the best actors, like Christoph Waltz and Chris Pratt.
ANON (CONT.): Like in the Original Trilogy there was a plot reason for Leia to be a woman, because she was a princess who needed saving! But now hardcore fans are expected to put up with more than one female character in a prominent role in three movies.*
* The editor, Wesley Sipsmith, would like it known that ANON was mislead on this point. In fact, the creators of the Star Wars Original Trilogy of Motion Pictures were generous enough to grant THREE women named speaking roles in the series out of the demographically-correct 152 noted cast members. ANON had forgotten the iconic rebel leader Mon Mothma and the irreplaceable Aunt Beru, potentially explained by ANON’s state of shock on behalf of the defilement of actresses across Hollywood his childhood.
Movies starring women
I reached out to Disney, who own the Star Wars property, for comment. Their all-female staff replied with an email stating their intention with the name change was to ‘victimise men’. ‘The idea was never to bring attention to widespread sexual assault, but instead to divert focus back to men, because this is really all about them.’
Sarah Monius-Hump is a film critic from Exeter. She faked her degree from the University of Hard Knoxville, Ohio, and is banned from two restaurants near her house.